February Clarity

I’m beginning to see something on the horizon representing the next stage in my life.  Erin is finally finished with her training as of December and my youngest is over that difficult first year mark where she may begin sleeping through the night.

My oldest is a full-blown kid and an equal part opinion (though loudest) in the household.  I think about them endlessly.

I’m not old but I’m not getting any younger.  Reflecting on my 20s and the first half of my 30s recently made me realize how far things have come.  I remember when my biggest concerns were training for a race and paying rent.

Kids change someone so much.  It feels like life until them was just practice.  Having two sick kids, a sick wife, being sick myself, the youngest teething, and work being exceptionally difficult for two months all during “the holidays” made me wonder if things could possibly be tougher.  A sleepless night here and there is tolerable but a year’s worth with a baby even in the good times is hard to equate.

But then you look at other things like Florida, Vegas, and the gymnastics coach and the insanity that the world is and think, yes, of course it could be worse.  Things are put into perspective when your child’s preschool creates a “civil disturbance” plan.  It’s maddening but necessary.

I’m not sure what is next.  Post marriage, mortgage, and babies makes me think that I will be busy until the end.

Maybe I can find some balance in my occupation.  For decades I’ve only focused time doing my job, not fixing it.  Lucky people will say that you need to “do what you love” to succeed.  That’s bullshit.  You need to pay the bills and feed yourself first, then you can pursue what you love.  If you can afford the time and effort or are lucky enough for the two to match, then you’re in a better place than most.   That sometimes means you do what you hate to preserve what you love.  I need to get out of this hate.  I need to do it for my health and my kids.  Maybe 2018 is the year.

P.S. I purposely don’t include some hot-button names and issues (like the gymnastics coach comment) in order to reduce the search engine scanning.  Blogs that talk about things like that are targeted more frequently for attack because they’re higher in search results.

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