15. April 2015 · 2 comments · Categories: Update · Tags: ,
Sizzle 2 votes

This old Sizzler promotional video from 1991 will make you feel pride and shame at the same time.

I found the link on chainsawsuit.com.


I have some sort of stomach bug that has gotten me to rethink some life choices.  I finally kept down my first meal today and watched some internet video which I have been too dizzy until now.  I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.  The bathroom floor was my home all day Sunday.

These were the most pirated files in 1999.

I think I’m being punished for watching Eraserhead.  There is no other explanation for the way I have felt.


The bracket for the March Animal Madness was a quick thing that we came up with in the office after a discussion about if a gorilla would beat a great white shark in a fight.  I’m glad we got to put that argument to rest during this tournament.

The rankings were made up by me late one night.  Certain combinations of stats gave an overall better possible score outcome.  Heart plus cunning gave a multiplier of 1.5 and was called “love of the game”.  Strength and cunning together gave the biggest multiplier, 1.6 and was called “pro”.  Heart plus strength was considered “passion” and got a multiplier of 1.2.  Adding all of that together we get a weighted score.  We take the unweighted score which is just the three stats (heart, strength, cunning) added together, multiply it by a random number between zero and 24, and then add the weighted number multiplied by two.  This way, if they get a random zero, they still play their “base game”.  Using this formula we get the max score and the minimum score.  The numbers were screwed with over the course of at least two whole minutes so that I could possibly have the platypus beat the great white shark based on minimum score and maximum score range.

I toyed with the idea of a critical hit or critical miss giving a special multiplier or something but it was late and I didn’t care that much.  For each of these I just ran the query, took the number and wrote the fight.  Scores were not stored and it was different with each execution.

Here’s how it worked.  The second query is the “battle”.:

     Division  VARCHAR(50)
     ,Name     VARCHAR(50)
     ,[Rank]   INT
     ,Heart    INT
     ,Strength INT
     ,Cunning  INT

('Americas','California condor',9,5,3,1),
('Americas','Grizzly Bear',4,2,5,4) ,
('Americas','Large mouth bass',15,2,2,1) ,
('Americas','Black widow spider',14,1,1,4) ,
('Americas','Llama',16,3,1,1) ,
('Americas','Electric Eel',8,4,3,2) ,
('Americas','Polar Bear',2,2,5,5) ,
('Americas','Mountain Lion',3,4,4,4) ,
('Americas','Alligator',12,2,4,1) ,
('Americas','Manatee',13,5,1,1) ,
('Americas','Rattle Snake',6,3,2,5) ,
('Americas','Bison',11,4,3,1) ,
('Americas','Coyote',7,2,2,5) ,
('Americas','Piranha',5,3,2,5) ,
('Americas','Desert Tortoise ',10,5,1,2) ,
('Eurasia','Snow tiger',2,3,3,4) ,
('Eurasia','Pangolin',16,2,1,1) ,
('Eurasia','Indian Rhino',7,2,5,1) ,
('Eurasia','Bengal tiger',1,3,4,4) ,
('Eurasia','Panda bear',15,2,2,1) ,
('Eurasia','Yak',14,1,3,1) ,
('Eurasia','Komodo Dragon',13,1,2,2) ,
('Eurasia','Eurasian Wolf',5,3,1,4) ,
('Eurasia','Moose',10,1,5,1) ,
('Eurasia','Asp Viper',4,3,1,4) ,
('Eurasia','Wolverine',6,2,3,3) ,
('Eurasia','Fattail Scorpion',11,1,1,4) ,
('Eurasia','Sloth Bear',12,2,3,1) ,
('Eurasia','Cobra',3,2,1,5) ,
('Eurasia','Gharial',9,2,3,2) ,
('Eurasia','Camel Spider',8,1,2,4) ,
('Afstraulia','Blue ring octopus',6,4,2,5) ,
('Afstraulia','Black mamba',11,1,3,3) ,
('Afstraulia','Gorilla',5,3,5,4) ,
('Afstraulia','Elephant',4,5,5,3) ,
('Afstraulia','Kangaroo',14,2,2,2) ,
('Afstraulia','Platypus',16,1,1,1) ,
('Afstraulia','Crocodile',12,1,4,2) ,
('Afstraulia','Great White Shark',1,4,5,5) ,
('Afstraulia','Koala Bear',15,2,1,1) ,
('Afstraulia','Emu',10,1,2,4) ,
('Afstraulia','Python',9,1,5,2) ,
('Afstraulia','Giraffe',13,2,4,1) ,
('Afstraulia','Hippopotamus',8,3,4,2) ,
('Afstraulia','Jackal',7,1,3,5) ,
('Afstraulia','Lion',2,4,5,5) ,
('Afstraulia','Cheetah',3,5,3,5) ,
('Classified','Bigfoot',1,5,4,5) ,
('Classified','Jackalope',13,2,1,4) ,
('Classified','Loch Ness Monster',10,1,1,5) ,
('Classified','Gryphon',7,3,3,3) ,
('Classified','Unicorn',6,5,3,2) ,
('Classified','Cerberus',3,3,5,3) ,
('Classified','Phoenix',9,5,2,1) ,
('Classified','Minotaur',2,2,5,5) ,
('Classified','Gremlin',15,1,2,2) ,
('Classified','Hell Hound',11,1,1,5) ,
('Classified','Dragon – Night Fury',5,3,5,2) ,
('Classified','Chimera',8,2,4,2) ,
('Classified','Wampus Cat',12,1,2,4) ,
('Classified','Acromantula',16,1,2,1) ,
('Classified','Audrey 2',14,2,3,1) ,

SELECT Division,
FROM   @animals
ORDER  BY division,

SELECT Division,
         WHEN score = maxscore THEN 'critical hit'
         ELSE NULL
       END [Critical] --critical hit does nothing special, just interesting to note
               ( total * ( Abs(Checksum(Newid())) % 25 ) ) + ( weighted * 2 ) [score],
               weighted * 2                                                   [MinScore],
               ( total * 24 ) + ( weighted * 2 )                              [MaxScore]
        FROM   (SELECT *,
                       ( heart + cunning ) * 1.5                                                                         [loveofthegame],
                       ( strength + cunning ) * 1.6                                                                      [pro],
                       ( heart + strength ) * 1.2                                                                        [passion],
                       heart + strength + cunning                                                                        [total],
                       ( ( heart + cunning ) * 1.5 ) + ( ( strength + cunning ) * 1.6 ) + ( ( heart + strength ) * 1.2 ) [weighted]
                FROM   @animals)a)b
WHERE  name IN ( 'gorilla', 'minotaur' )
ORDER  BY division,

       ( total * ( Abs(Checksum(Newid())) % 25 ) ) + ( weighted * 2 ) [Score],
       weighted * 2                                                   [MinScore],
       ( total * 24 ) + ( weighted * 2 )                              [MaxScore]
               ( heart + cunning ) * 1.5                                                                         [LoveOfTheGame],
               ( strength + cunning ) * 1.6                                                                      [Pro],
               ( heart + strength ) * 1.2                                                                        [Passion],
               heart + strength + cunning                                                                        [Total],
               ( ( heart + cunning ) * 1.5 ) + ( ( strength + cunning ) * 1.6 ) + ( ( heart + strength ) * 1.2 ) [Weighted]
        FROM   @animals)a
ORDER  BY MaxScore

Thanks for playing.  Maybe I’ll get or write up something that keeps track of the bracket next time around.  I enjoyed writing the battles.

March Animal Madness – Championship 2 votes

On my final trip to the ship something occurred to me.  I had been here before.  I had been in this helicopter before…but when?  Was the intoxication of animal wars clearing or clouding my memory?  Maybe these amazing events have helped shake loose some memories that I’ve stored away.  I would need to think about this more after the fights.  There is something here – some memory that I need to work out.

As the helicopter landed this time I noticed fewer people on board than the previous night.  Strange.  I would have expected everyone who could attend to do just that.  Maybe there was an emergency.  I put my foot on the landing platform and felt a rumble and then it made sense.  The final battle was inside the ship.  Everybody is inside.  I was ushered to my press position which was secure and offered an incredible view.

Two floors (including the casino from last night) had been completely removed.  Gorilla and minotaur were going to have plenty of room.  One would be crowned king of beasts the other would surely be killed.

The first time we heard an announcer through the entire tournament was now.  He informed us in a very bland tone that there were no rules and anything goes.  He informed us that all spectators were on the boat at their own risk.  I felt a bit uneasy after hearing this but I was too excited to do anything about it.

We suddenly felt an energy as the whole boat became quiet.  Minotaur appeared from around a hallway, dragging his hammer, breathing heavily, and watching the faces in the crowd.  No loud entrance, no pageantry, no show.  Actions had spoken louder than words.  Minotaur stood tall, watching the other end of the arena for the gorilla to appear.

Next the gorilla made his way down the hallway.  Angry, punching the ground and his chest.  Showing his canines and breathing heavily with spit flying.  Standing up on his legs he puts his arms up and lets out a fearsome howl.  I was shaking in my shoes.  This minotaur is clearly the experienced fighter but that gorilla is just bananas.  We had no idea what was in store for us that night.


Quickly the gorilla charged the minotaur who stood his ground.  The gorilla reached out and took a swing at the minotaur.  The punch landed squarely on his jaw but was quickly returned with deep punch to the gorilla’s chest.  The gorilla’s screamed at the minotaur showing his teeth and the calm and cool minotaur finally broke character.  Arms extended leaning toward the gorilla he lets out a powerful angry yell.  He wasn’t holding anything back this time.  This was all or nothing.

The gorilla was not shaken.  I’ve never seen fear in this gorilla’s eyes – only blood rage.  The minotaur’s change in composure intimidated the whole audience.  I wet myself and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  The minotaur charged the gorilla, grabbing him by his head and slamming his body to the floor, breaking the floorboards and dropping the two down another level.  Clearly this was planned.  It became silent and the lower floor was completely dark.  The minotaur disappeared.  The gorilla had been forced into the minotaur’s maze.

I had to piece together what happened down there because I wasn’t able to see all of it but I was able to talk with other witnesses.  The gorilla was immediately at a disadvantage.  This gorilla’s strength was rage, not rational thought.  He knew what he had to do.  First, find the minotaur.  Only after killing the minotaur was it necessary for him to leave the maze.

There were minutes of screams, grunts, and obvious wall and floor punches looking for weaknesses in the maze.  From above we could catch a glimpse of the gorilla moving through the maze through the huge hole in the floor.  The minotaur would occasionally pass by in complete silence carrying his hammer.

Then the minotaur found the gorilla.  The minotaur hit the gorilla with his hammer which slammed him through the walls of the maze to the thick iron wall of the ship.  We heard a loud bang and the whole ship rocked to one direction.  There was more scuffle and another loud bang but this time it was the gorilla flying up through the floor.  The minotaur hit him again with the hammer straight up in the air.  The gorilla quickly fell back to the ship as the minotaur climbed out of the maze.

The gorilla got up and after gaining his composure threw a barrel to distract the minotaur and charged again.  The minotaur attempted the same horn skewer strategy that killed the Bengal tiger but the gorilla didn’t fall for it.  As the minotaur put his head down, the gorilla grabbed the hammer out of his hand and swung it at the minotaur’s head breaking off one of his horns.  The minotaur’s whole body slid to the other end of the ship.  I don’t think that the minotaur could swing the hammer as hard as the gorilla just did.  It was spectacular.

The minotaur felt for his horn and realized it was missing.  He stands up and limps toward the gorilla.  It slowly turned into a run and then a full charge on all fours with the remaining horn on a collision course with the gorilla.  The gorilla stood his ground with the hammer high in the air, ready to crush the minotaur’s skull.

The minotaur stabbed the gorilla in the chest and slammed his body into the side of the ship, breaking his other horn.  He continues to push until the gorilla is completely limp.  The gorilla’s body was reduced to a fleshy bag of bones.  The minotaur stood there looking at the carnage as the gorilla’s blood dripped down his whole body.  There was no celebration.  I think he was glad that it is over.  He picked up his hammer and looked around at the audience.  An officiant in a spectacular suit game out to shake the hand of the minotaur and handed him the crown.  Never smiling the minotaur took his prize and raised his arm in the air.  The crowd cheered.  The minotaur won and is truly the King of Beasts.

The announcer tells us that the score is 166-153 obviously in the minotaur favor.


That’s all we have. What did you think? How did you do? I’ll post our winning bracket and scores soon. Thanks for tuning in and have a great weekend!

UPDATE:  Here’s the winning bracket out here in Tucson.